So first off a little story about what I did last night. Me and my hot roomate had some friends of mine over last night, a couple guys and a couple girls for some drinks and a movie. Well, halfway through our evening my roomie comes over to me and says "Hey, that Julie girl is pretty cute and I think she likes you, you should hit that!" And of course, I respond with the requisite, yeah, probably, we'll see. (translated: no, I don't wanna fuck a girl right now, especially a friend) But ok, as the night progresses, somehow the three of us ended up sprawled on the couch during the movie. It was pretty much an Alex sandwich, wich was a little wierd for me, but what the hell. La dee da, the evening continues, we're drunk, my guy friends leave. So its just me, the roomie, and the 2 girls. Roomate says goodnight, goes into his room, girls immediatly start talking about how "fucking hot" he is. (it's true so I don't blame them) So then Julie, gets up, walks into my roomates bedroom and they had sex. All night. (mind you, she just met him tonight, and has never done anything like this before and isn't a slut) Then the other girl gets on the phone with one of the guys who just left and starts talking about how much she wants to date him. Here I sit. All the fuck alone. Hating myself. Now, there are several things that anger me, and a couple of points I want to make. 1) I'm not mad that Julie and my roomie had sex. I didn't want to sleep with her, and he did. I'm mad that he would suggest she might like me and that I should sleep with her, and then he does it. Nice, Thanks!!!!! 2) I hate the fact that I'm not jealous of him. I'm jealous of her. I want him. Can't have him. But such is life. 3) I have shown no animosity toward either of them. However, my roomie has been walking on pins and nails all day as if I must be upset with him. Any normal straight guy would be pissed. Should I pretend to be so my facade is plausible? 4) I miss being as beautiful as he is. I haven't been able to get someone to want me just because I look so good in years, and I'm only 20. What the hell? 5) Its SOOOOOO hard to be closeted. I don't want to do it anymore. But I'm not coming out. I want to just be straight. Maybe I can be? Maybe I should just stop being gay. Maybe? And thats how that went. I'm going to bed now, its gonna be a hard week. Goodbye